Pogramming with your Cube Mates

I know it's been a while, but i've been saving and bottling up all my pissiness, so that my outburst will have finesse, magnitude, and direction.
Right.
So, let's get down to business. Praveen has been a little bitch that hasn't posted since...since a very long time. In that interval, i've even managed to have an operation, spend time in hospital, recover, and shave beards that would make mullahs proud.
I've been 'promoted'...i use quotations because it sucks, and i would rather have my old position back. Back then i was the groundling, the object of scorn and the curled upper lip by many a developer who thought his code was so important that the company would not function without him, in fact, they sure made it seem so..I work in a place where if you manage to do your job, they call your name out at meetings. It's like telling your wife she's not fat. It's something you're supposed to do, you don't get honoured for it. Either it is duly noted and filed away by the wife, or you get yelled at : "What do you mean i am not fat? What made you think that i thought i was fat?" (this often happens if you were idiotic enough to preempt her question)..and it's the same thing about work, atleast, that's how it should be. If you say nothing about it, some head honcho should stick his head out and give you a polite nod as you walk past his glass-walled office while he is burrowed behind his pc surreptitiously looking at porn, and, if you tell your boss very nervously, while standing on one leg.."you know, i did, like, this thing, you know, and it like, brought this company a lot of money, you know", in which case you are sent to your desk with a sharp rap on your knuckles, or if the boss is in a particularly expansive mood, a pen case. So yeah, you get the picture. if you go above and beyond your job, only then should your name be called out..otherwise what happens? Everytime some stupid senior ditz calls out your name and says "Couldn't have done it withoutcha!!!!!! *FLASHY SMILE*"(she will never make a mention of your name because you are not important enough for your name to be remembered. there is very limited brain space. it is used up by acronyms for words and sentences that do not make any sense when strung together, nor have any meaning), people make the mistake of assuming that they are somehow above mediocre, and they start throwing their weight around.
I program in a language that britney spears could pick up within minutes. It is not something to have an ego about, yet as you walk by people's desk, you will find them chewing their lip thoughtfully, and discussing issues about the language that a bored toddler could tell you the answer to. Case in point.
"How would we get the person's name from a database"
"Hmm..that is a good point..good point *long pause*..oh wait! isn't there code that already does that???!?!?! EUREKA. I AM A GOD!"
Horrible, isn't it?
So, you get the picture, a company where the code is easy, and most of the work involves finding already implemented stuff, carefully selecting, clicking "Copy" and then transferring over to the new destination. 5 minutes of tinkering and 4 hours of table tennis later..finished shiny end product that will promptly break because the old code never worked anyway, whereupon the reaction is.."oh well..let the bug fixers handle it. i worked hard on this and busted my balls"..so that was what i was..a bug fixer..i would fix their shit, and it helped me get a good understanding of how the world, and that particularly shitty program, "worked". it was good in a way, it was mostly easy, the guys around me were fun to work with..there was constant laughter and table tennis and endless hours of fun to be had by all...until i got promoted.
Now, i sit in a dreary and dark cube all the way on the other end. My companions are, let's call them hbfb, and peewee. hbfb=heavy-breathing fat bastard. 6 feet tall, 17 feet wide. One word description: Yokozuna. I can't even run him over with my car, because it would total my car, and leave him with barely a scratch, although i've wanted to on many an occassion.
hbfb happens to work in a company, as a side project, and they wanted my help to make a song that their product could use. The negotiations were as follows
1st day
hbfb: Hey i heard your music. I want you to write some songs, and we'll pick. we'll give you cash for it.
me: how about...no? i'd like a cut of the profits
hbfb: I will have to discuss with my compatriots on this issue
me: yeah, whatever. let me know.
2nd Day
hbfb : Hey, i spoke to my colleagues about this joint venture
me: yeah, and?
hbfb: There are two opposing schools of thought on the issue
me: you actually have schools of thought on this shitty issue?
hbfb: uhhm..yes we do.
me: That is the most pathetic thing i have heard in years.
hbfb: You're not the most positive guy here are you?
me: Not unless you mean blood group.
Day 3
hbfb: Apparently, they don't want to pay you
me: so i have to do this for free?
hbfb: yeah
me: it took you 3 days to tell me that?
hbfb: Well there were ongoing discussions
me: wow.gay.

hbfb is the type of individual that will look up something on the internet, some code-related issue, and then talk like he wrote a ground-breaking book on the subject. The talk will be merry-go-roundy, and any piercing questions will be cleverly deflected with "Well *important look* it depends on the context in which you refer to the subject material"
.."with assays and windlasses of bias, by indirections find directions out", only in this case, direction is a blank wall and me desperately looking for ways to end it all.

Onto peewee, peewee is smart, sassy, and kiss-assy. If there is a butt with upper management written on it, peewee's lips will be glued to it faster than hbfb's to his dinner plate. He has a nasal voice, and whenever he talks, plaster falls from the ceiling, and i turn the volume on my mp3 player up to levels that would make deaf adders uneasy.
The only problem i have with peewee, is the fact that he gets by doing no work at all. He comes in at 10:30, or whenever his calendar tells him is an auspicious time to do so, watches rap music videos, and says things like "Yo Wuassap man!" to his bosses (he is not black. he is simply cool and down with it, and we all wish we could be like him). Then when it's 2pm, he disappears, and you can't see him till 10am the next day. He logs 8-9 hours every day.He's quite smart though, so i have to give him that. When i become president, he will be the last against the wall, and there will be a special silver bullet for him.

So, these are my new cube mates. It is tough working..all i hear when i am not listening to music, is his heavy breathing..i feel like my chair is getting pulled closer and closer with every inhalation.
every day is a punishment, well mostly. I take out all the anger on my friend at table tennis.

What is worrisome is the listlessness that working with these two fucktards has spawned. I don't care about work anymore. all i care about is getting my 8 hours, and leaving the place. Which means, that there is trouble brewing on the horizon. If the only guy there who works is only working 8 hours, out of which 5 are spent playing table tennis, then, someone will have to pay dearly. hbfb is in wedded bliss..so he won't be fired..apparently...the best thing about getting married is "dude, she brings me food to my desk.how awesome is that" ..i wasn't sure whether i was supposed to be envious, or nauseated by that remark.

It won't be peewee, because peewee is down with all the head honchos, even if he doesn't do anything..so, guess who will be sent home early some friday because "Statistically it has been demonstrated that office workers are less likely to cause a scene if fired right before the weekend" ??